[Wids]

And aside from the occasional raccoon, I haven't caught anyone rooting through my trash cans at 3 AM yet.

Good Sir, I take that as a challenge!

This is Texas. If the crazy attack animals don't get you, the Texas-Chainsaw-Massacre-esque loonies and the Hills-Have-Eyes-esque booby traps will. Are you really sure that you want to pick up that gauntlet now? :P

Maybe they're old and they don't want people to know how old they are?

On the internet? Where any age over 17 years may be freely wielded as a weapon? Please. Do you have any idea how many YouTube arguments I've won just by saying something along the lines of "I was in the Air Force while you were in the neonatal unit, so you should probably shut up until you watch enough Wheel of Fortune reruns to get a clue, Junior"? Plenty, Pi. Plenty. :P